That Cold and Dark Yet Comfortable Place

“Accept it.”

“Focus on your part in the problem, and address that. Don’t worry about what anyone else says or does; you cannot control it.”

“Relax and take it easy.” 

Sometimes these words don’t work in tough times. They don’t penetrate. They do not mean anything. In short, they’re just not helpful.

And yet you remain stuck. You're trapped in a morass of loneliness and frustration. You're overwhelmed by disbelief towards the world as you encounter it.  Your frustration grows while pondering how it might be different, for the better. You know at some point you’ll escape this vicious process. It will change. Things will get better. But you don’t know how or when.

So, you wait. Not so patiently. You attempt to do your best. You try to make due. 

And if you’re at all like me, you retreat. You return to a well-worn web of thinking and being. It provides a safe space. But it's safe only in so far as you don’t have to engage, think about, much less attempt to address, what ails you. 

You don’t talk about it. You don’t answer the phone when someone calls. You don’t pick up the phone to reach out to anyone to discuss your situation. From your troubled perspective, talking about your problem only makes it worse. You’d rather pretend it didn’t exist. You hope that others will do the same even when they know something troubles you. 

You survive, but barely. Nothing good comes out of remaining in this space. You know it's only temporary, but that offers little relief. 

But it’s actually not a temporary place for you. Sure, you’ll be leaving at some point but the space never dissipates entirely. It’s always there waiting for you. You wonder if it’s inherited, but neither of your parents talked about it when you were growing up.  Nor have you ever raised the subject with them. As a result, its genesis and nature ultimately remains a mystery. You desperately want to understand and analyze it; you don't want to retreat. But you have and you will. Maybe it is indeed part of your “inheritance.” Regardless, you must continue to engage with the mystery while believing better times await.